Trauma Builds Character
by Auphanim
Summary: A rather peaceful and uneventful day on Destiny Islands suddenly dives off the tall diving board into insanity. AU, other warnings inside.


Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or anything other characters from Square Enix games I've thrown into this.

Warning: Slight shonen-ai implications (none severe enough to scare anyone away), violence, insanity, mild cursing, slight Kairi/Riku (x.x), and a hint of Kairi bashing (once again, nothing too severe).

Author's Notes (somewhat important):

"blah" Speech

'blah' Thoughts/quoted comments (you'll be able to tell the difference, trust me)

Author's Notes (unimportant): . First story, please be gentle. . Also one of my first attempts at humor. The first page was co-written with a friend, and then I just expanded the rest on my own. . Not that that matters, but anyway. . . On with the story!

Trauma Builds Character 

Sora sighed happily as he sprawled out on his back, feeling the warmth of the sand fill him with fluffy. . feelings. Suddenly, the sun decided that it had better things to do and set, leaving Sora in the darkness, and all feeling of fluff gone. Almost in tears, Sora jumped up and ran around like a panic-stricken monkey. Hearing a giant bird cawing above him, Sora looked up just in time to see Riku fly out of a tree and clobber him.

". . . .I win," Riku smirked triumphantly from his perch atop Sora's chest. "By the way, did you know you look like a chicken?"

"I. . . wha?" Sora pouted and looked extremely confused. Then, as if an afterthought, realized that Riku is a bit too heavy to be on his chest. "Ri. . .Ku. . .I. . .can't. . .breathe."

". . . . . And your point is. . ?" Riku grinned. "I beat you, therefore, you don't get to complain."

Sora blinked as Riku's logic flies far, far over his head. Abruptly, Selphie decided that now would be a good time to help Riku crush Sora and pounced on the unsuspecting boys. Her big green eyes shimmered with excitement as she dove across Riku's back and somehow ended in a quick make-out session.

"Do you know the legend of the boys who attacked one-another, got jumped by a crazy man with a gun arm, and were finally eaten by a chocobo-headed blond man?" Selphie almost screeched in her excitement.

"Uhhh. . . nooooo," Sora said, as Riku was too busy trying to clean the taste of Selphie out of his mouth.

"Really, well that's a shame, 'cause neither do I," With that rather pointless and idiotic statement, Selphie skipped off to go horrify another poor soul with her legends and romantic fantasies. "By the way, you two look cute together. ."

Blushing, Sora stood up and then promptly sat back down, wondering where exactly the sun went. Riku, however, was more concerned with this mysterious legend. 'A chocobo headed blond? Was. . . his head a chocobo? Yikes.' Riku thought stupidly, all the while grinning from ear to ear.

Almost magically, Cloud emerged from the water, bringing with him a trail of chocobo treats. Looking utterly superior, he stepped majestically onto the shore, his mako eyes illuminating the entire island.

"YOU MUST BE THE PERSON WHO WILL EAT US!" Sora screamed, not in the mood to be eaten. He didn't scream it out in the most manly way either. Riku and Cloud both stared shocked and slightly amazed at Sora.

"No. . I can't say that I am," Cloud replies calmly. "My name is Cloud, but many know me as a genetically modified heap of meat and water with a questionable past." Sora and Riku blinked in unison as they stared at the weird blond.

"Is there anyway to make that latter one a little more, oh I don't know, shorter?" Riku beseeched Cloud. Before Cloud could reply, Leon jumped up from under the sand and attacked Cloud. The battle continued underwater, the light of the meat bag's eyes making the ocean glow. Suddenly, the glowing stopped. Sora and Riku stared at each other incredulously as they realized the man from the sand had most likely killed Cloud.

Just as Sora and Riku were recovering from the shock of some person just rising up and killing Cloud, they hear a distinct poof. Riku glanced up and saw a huge, black feather floating down in front of his face. While Riku looked confused, Sora knew what this feather meant. Death. Certain and utter death.

"Mother. . .if I cannot take Earth for you. . I will just have to mercilessly slaughter these adolescents," Sephiroth proclaims regally. Both Sora's and Riku's eyes widened to the extremes as they realized that the silver-haired bishie could only be referring to them.

"I don't know about him, but I'm not an adolescent," Riku said, of course saving himself and once again leaving Sora to fend for himself. Shocked, Sora could only stare at Riku as Sephiroth moved in for the kill. Sora's visage soon brightened as he got an idea. He dropped his Keyblade to the ground and took up a whole new stance.

Sora, in his new stance, suddenly found himself holding Twinkle and Icing Death. Just as a climatic battle was about to start, Sephiroth got tackled by an enraged Leon. Eyes glowing with unfounded hatred for a man he had never before seen, Leon proceeded to take a coconut and bash Sephi's brains out.

Then, just as abruptly as it had started, that phase in time was over. The sun was shining, the grass was green, and the only thing that mars the otherwise perfect beach, were the blood covered bodies of Cloud and Sephiroth, both killed by a crazed Leon. As our heroes, Sora and Riku looked off into the sun, a lone zora swam up and started to munch on Cloud's body.

Leon looked up from his latest kill, the bloody coconut still clutched in his right hand. A snarl escaped his lips as he stalked up behind the two teens. He raised the coconut, preparing to use all his energy in this last attack. As the crazed glint brought his grey-blue eyes to life, an African Sparrow dove down and plucked the coconut out of his hand. His insane gaze turned to the bird which was quickly flying away from the scene of the crime.

Meanwhile, Sora and Riku decided to quit gazing out at the sea and walked off. Riku suddenly brought his right hand up to cover his eyes. The sun had moved so that it looked as though the two were boldly walking off into the sunset.

"The fuck?" Riku asked, a bit bewildered at this change of events. He was really starting to get sick of all this insanity. Sora looked over at his friend, wondering what was wrong. It was pretty obvious the brunet hadn't noticed anything odd about the sun being in front of them all of a sudden. Sighing and not even trying to explain such complicated matters to the dim-witted boy, he kept on walking.

A few minutes later, Sora's eyes widened as he realized something.

"Riku! Hey Riku! The sun moved!" He cried out as Riku visibly winced at his friend's comment. He slowly looked at Sora with a shocked expression on his face, almost disbelieving that anyone, even Sora, could be that stupid. 'Well, he didn't understand my gift of a paopu fruit, so why wouldn't he notice the sun moving?' Riku reasoned.

Snapping out of his internal monologue before he started doing hand motions along to it, he smiled at Sora, who was standing next to him and waiting for an explanation. Deciding that no words were needed, Riku picked up a rock and chucked it in Sora's face, then ran as fast as his legs could carry him.

"Hey Riku wha-OH MY GOD!" Sora shouted as the rock Riku had thrown hit him in the center of his face. His hands flew to cup his injured face as blood spewed forth from his broken skin. Twin waterfalls of tears rolled down Sora's face, mixing with the blood while Riku sped off so he wouldn't get in trouble for beating up his friend.

Sora dropped to his knees, moaning in pain. Hearing this, Riku turned around to see if his friend was really hurt or if it was just a gimmick. A startled look (akin to this O.O) crept slowly to his face as he watched Sora wallow on the ground, caught in the grips of pain. The sand was quickly turning red beneath the brunet.

Backing up slowly, the silver-haired boy stared in shock at what he had done. 'Sora will tell everyone that I hurt him. . . it doesn't matter that it's the truth, I can't let him get the news to my mother!' Riku's thought were rabid with guilt and worry. His eyes darted back and forth, looking for a solution to this problem. 'What should I do? I need to get rid of Sora! . . . . That's it!'

Picking up a coconut, the crazed teen crept up behind his soon-to-be-dead best friend. He shakily raised the coconut, a little bit nervous since he'd never killed a person before. Steeling himself for the blow, he tightened his grip and swung the coconut down onto Sora's head.

The coconut hit Sora's head perfectly, splitting in two upon impact. The brunet wasn't dead, but he was unconscious. Content with this, Riku grabbed the boy by his ankles to drag him off somewhere and bury him.

As he contemplated where to dump the body of his good friend, Leon was recovering from the shock of the coconut-stealing bird. The elder brunet shook his head, effectively clearing his thoughts for the moment. He looked up to see the silver-haired boy was dragging his stupid friend somewhere. It appeared as though the dumb one was dead.

After a moment of debating within himself, Leon finally came to the conclusion that the friends should always be together, even if in death. He searched briefly for a weapon, since his coconut was now long-gone. Seeing nothing, he sat on the warm sand, pouting slightly while his 'prey' escaped.

Just as Leon was about to go and kill the two teens with his bare hands, a voice stopped him in his tracks. This voice was oddly familiar, and strangely scary. Turning slowly, his gaze went to the owner of the voice. He looked her up and down, examining what she was wearing and if he could outrun her.

"Hey there, have you seen a man named Cloud around here? I'm his friend, Tifa!" The woman stated cheerfully, adjusting one of her suspender straps. She looked at Leon and gave him a bit of a wink, then walked up to him so she could stare straight into his eyes and find out if he lied to her. This woman was horrifying, a 'Devil's Incarnate' if you will.

Leon gulped some air down, suddenly fearing for his life. He looked at all her muscles, knowing that this woman could tear him limb from limb and probably would if she found out that he had killed her friend.

". . . . Haven't seen him. . ." Leon hoped his lie would go undetected by Tifa, but got ready to bolt just in case. He wasn't ready to die.

" Oh really. . . Well, hate to break it to ya, but I've got a hard time believing that," Tifa replied slowly, stalking up to Leon. " In fact, I don't think I can believe that," She cracked her knuckles to accent this remark. " So tell me. . . . Where's Cloud you lying son-of-a-water-buffalo?"

The poor man's eyes widened as Tifa punched herself in the hand in a very frightening way. His grey-blue eyes shifted from side to side, looking for a way out. He knew that he couldn't outrun this crazy woman. And since she'd seen through his first one, he guessed lying was out-of-the-question too.

Sighing, he gave up and responded truthfully to Tifa. "I killed him, just like I killed the silver-haired man whose body is laying over there," Leon pointed to Sephiroth's body, praying that Tifa would get scared when she saw what he could do.

Tifa raised an eyebrow, looking over to Sephiroth. She stared hard at the body, glaring at it to see if it would move. When nothing happened, she looked over Leon, anger etched into her face. Suddenly, Leon found himself facing something akin to a giant raging elephant with a bad temper.

"You killed Sephiroth," the insane woman stated quietly. "I'm going to have to beat you into oblivion for this you know."

"Why?" Leon asked, riding on the verge of tears.

"He and Cloud were going to have their wedding here, and you just ruined it! I was going to be the bride's maid!" Tifa wailed, her eyes spewing forth waterfalls of tears.

". . . . ."

Further enraged by Leon's little '. . . .' comment, she rushed at the man, her right fist coming up and slamming into his left cheek. Smiling cruelly as she heard his cheekbone snap under her fist, she brought her left knee up into his crotch, slamming his package again and again.

Leon shirked in terror and pain as he was permanently and harshly neutered. His hands grasped his crotch in a weak attempt at defense. The knee was not stopped by his hands and he felt the bones in them breaking. Tears were flowing down his face as Tifa stopped her assault on his body for now.

He brought his crushed hands up in front of his face, staring blankly at the mutilated fingers. While he was lost in thought and agony, Tifa deftly brought her right leg level to his neck and launched it, slamming into the side of his neck and sending him sprawling to the ground.

Walking up to the man's crumpled body, she bent down next to him and felt for a pulse. Satisfied when there was nothing beating under he fingers, she patted the dead man on the head and then closed his eyes which had been staring wide in surprise even in death.

Elsewhere on the island, Riku was burying Sora next to the beach, trying to ignore the fact that his friend was slowly but surely waking up. The silver haired teen looked around for anything to hit his friend with to keep the boy out. Suddenly, a giggling sound behind him alerted the boy to the presence of a very unwanted guest.

Turning cautiously, his aqua gaze met with the azure gaze of a young girl almost as soon as he turned around. A look of disgust came billowing across his face as he instantly recognized the girl as Kairi, the single most annoying female he had ever met. Her high-pitched giggle could make a banshee jealous and her overly-short skirt intended to flatter her legs made him sick whenever he saw her. Not to mention she was taking /his/ Sora away. 'And, incidentally, I'm /killing/ my Sora. That's messed up.' He thought with a small smirk as he came out of his thoughts and back to looking at the little peppy girl in front of him.

The two stared at each other for a while, both waiting for the other to say something first. Kairi was grinning like a deranged Faust hyped up on sugar while Riku merely looked like someone who had just stepped in an atrocious amount of dog shit.

". . . . What do you want?" Riku snapped at the girl, pissed that she had interrupted him from his /real/ friend a proper burial.

"Do you know that if you kiss the person you really love next to the beach, you'll be bound to them for eternity?" She asked dreamily, her eyelids dropping over her eyes.

"That's a load of bull," the rude male teen replied.

Giggling softly, Kairi grabbed his wrist, taking Riku down with her when she plopped to the ground. Leaning on her arms, she closed her eyes and threw her lips on Riku's in a sloppy and disgusting kiss. Riku's eyes became dazed, and he realized that Kairi had been telling the truth. She had kissed her love and they'd be bound together forever.

As if some great cosmic forces (not unlike an author) had conspired to make sure Riku was properly miserable, Tifa had walked up just in time to see the dazed look on the boy's face. Shrugging and mumbling about how 'a wedding's a wedding', she dragged the two up to the alter that had been set up for Cloud and Sephiroth.

After a long and quite boring ceremony, the teens were wed and they walked off into the natural sunset. One was beaming and giggling like crazy and the other resembled a walking zombie. Tifa was crying like women always do at weddings and stuffing herself with cake. As for Sora, he awoke to find himself half-buried in sand.

With Sora, nothing was ever too serious, so he stood up, brushing the sand off his legs and head home, planning on getting a Band-Aid for his head.

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